I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
