Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
