yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
