John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
