I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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