I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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