Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
