I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
