I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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