How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
