never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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