I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
