3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
