Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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