I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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