You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
