Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
