he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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