I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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