Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
