I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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