I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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