May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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