I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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