My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
