I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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