I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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