Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
