I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
