After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
