The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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