Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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