Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
