moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
