i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
