White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
