I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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