I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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