I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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