she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
