oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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