I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Randomize
