Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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