Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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