Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
