Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
