He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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