There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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