hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The Olympian is in my bed
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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