I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
