Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
