Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
