Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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