i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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